Where did I leave you?
Oh, right. About to begin to try to dissolve my sizable thyroid nodule with Vibrational Healing via electrically charged waters (and since someone did ask, no, they’re not electrically charged like dropping a hair dryer in the bath tub).
Here's how it goes. There will be a quiz.
1st Step: provide Andrea, my local practitioner, with a saliva sample. This is a very high tech procedure: I stick a q-tip in my mouth and put it in a baggie.
2nd Step: Andrea analyzes my spit for DNA and traces of viruses/weaknesses. These can be ones I have had (mono) or ones I inherited (auto-immune/celiac). Some I inherited from even further back than my mother, the theory goes. These weaknesses are called miasms (those of you who do homeopathy will know that word) and are the basis of all chronic diseases.
All of us have traces of three of the biggest diseases of recent history:
TB, Syphilis and Gonorrhea.
They manifest in different ways for different people – some get a tummy thing, some a skin thing.
I got a tummy thing.
3rd Step: meet with Andrea.
I’m nervous as I head to her office. What am I getting myself into? I have a tendency to be naïve and trusting – and this could cost serious money and yield zero results. Then I'll feel like an idiot (my biggest fear) and my rational French husband will be right and I'll be wrong (my second biggest fear).
I talk myself off the ledge by saying what my friend MK always says:
DON'T COLLAPSE CONVERSATION AND COMMITMENT.
I'll hear what Andrea has to say. Then say I’ll think about it.
Turns out Andrea is not scary. She is nice. She wears fun glasses. She is concise and easy to understand. She has done this many times before. She hands me a sheet of paper (drum roll please).
4th Step: the DNA test results. Bottomline, I have a problem with calcium and how it moves (or rather, doesn’t) through my body. This could be partially due to lingering virus from the Mono I had in high school. The tests also indicate the presence of various viruses linked to blockages/lumps in the parathyroids, adrenals, thymus and thyroid.
5th Step: Andrea tests my energy meridians with a wand attached to her computer to confirm the blockages the DNA indicates. She likens it to how an acupuncturist takes your pulse. And the computer does blip where it makes sense: my thyroid and digestive areas (the celiac), as well as other parts having to do with cleansing the body (liver, kidney).
6th Step: figure out which of the 1000 or so remedies available from the water-makers in Colorado are best. She brings out the wand again, and much like a homeopath tests for weakness (where you’re weak is what you’re allergic to), she tests me to see which of the preparations is perfect for me. I end of up with a list of 8 kinds of waters. They are flavorless, and have no unhappy side effects. Doesn’t sound so bad.
Unfortunately, there’s 7th Step:
Shift to an alkalizing diet. It’s anti-inflammatory, and the most helpful for healing; my brother follows one for his MS.
NOTE:
Many medical people do not believe in the effectiveness of homeopathy or an alkaline diet.
But many also believe PMS is "all in our minds."
I am already gluten-free, but Andrea recommends I avoid rice and corn, too (very acidic), as well as animal protein, dairy, caffeine and alcohol. Basically, large plates of produce is what you eat. I like produce, but -
8th Step: Resistance. Yuck.
9th Step: assess the $ damage. I need 38 bottles of water. 38. Yikes. This is going to be expensive. My tummy seizes up. I hate to spend money.
But wait! What does MK always say? (skip up a few paragraphs if you forgot).
I’m so proud of myself as we hit -
10th Step: I say I want to think about it. Andrea’s fine with that.
But I realize… if I don’t commit now, I’ll have to come back again with a check, and I can't do that the next day…and I have that second biopsy looming over me. I want this nodule gone by then so I can keep my thyroid.
You never regret what you do, you regret what you don't do...
11th Step: tell her I’m in. Write a check. Leave.
12th Step: Buyer’s Remorse. Gosh, I hope this is going to work. I’ll feel like an idiot if it doesn’t. An idiot out quite a bit of $.
But at least I’m DOING SOMETHING. I will not be the dog who lies on the electrified floor in that classic experiment with learned helplessness. I am the dog who leaps over the fence! I can do something! http://psychology.about.com/od/lindex/f/earned-helplessness.htm
FUN FACT
Did you know Art Garfunkel lost his voice?
He says it's because of a a lobster he ate.
Hm...
He's also walking around the world in 100-mile installments.
I love Art Garfunkel.
Who was there that night in Central Park when Simon and Garfunkel performed? I WAS.
Who knows what year this was? (answer before you click the play arrow)
13th Step: play video. Love how Art can still nail the notes at the end.
